Been a year and a month in this city. Time flew by indeed and I have finally begin to feel I am settled here, only thing I miss is my car. I always wanted to have a car because it gives me a tremendous feeling of independence. As if those are not wheels but wings.

I guess I’ll get the car in May when my sister would be finished with her MA classes.

A friend today asked, “you still in the city?” I said, “yes and I’ll be here for some more time, kind of settled now, rented out a home looking for a man.”

This person is some one I befriended when I had just come down to Bangalore, we spent a short span of some interesting times as friends which got screwed because of some even more interesting facts related to sex and romance. I got a blow so hard, I would never fully recover from and would never fully tell about to anybody.

We lost touch for almost a year. I have now forgot and forgiven. So he asked, “how have life been” and I said, “Been good. Nothing extraordinarily great, nothing to complaint about either. Just a smooth ride.”

Smooth rides on the journey of life are boring. So I always try to do something different, something that makes my life more exciting. But it ain’t easy to find the right kind of activity that would keep me entertained.

To talk a bit on men and their manhood:

Few months back I thought may be a lot of wild sex is what would add that edge-of-the-seat action in my life but I got weary of the idea after I was hugely put off by a 30 something married man trying to bed me for the Nth number of time in his life.

Admittedly, I initially agreed to see him. Because I have stopped bothering to figure out the background of these people’s extra marital sexual pursuits. I don’t care if it’s something about me or are they forever looking for a hole. I also don’t even care anymore what’s with their wives, whether they are aware of their husband’s feats or not. All I cared about was, if this guy is good looking enough and have that princely charm and chivalry, if he knows how to treat me like a queen I am game for a good fuck.

Alas, all those ‘ifs’ remained ‘if’, not one which could fit the bill. Tom was too bald, Dick was too fat, Harry was too tall and so on. So these married morons are just completely hopeless. If they knew how to be charming they would probably have had a healthier relationship with their wives and not wandering on the streets.

I have also begin to turn down ‘friendship requests.’ So when this guy who met me in Barcamp asked me out for a drink, the conversation went on something like this…

Guy – You wanna catch up for drink
Me – Sure, where are you taking me?
Guy – XYZ place.
Me – Where is that I don’t know, could you pick me from work?
Guy – Err, well your work is on the other side, I’d have to take a U turn, kinda detour.
Me – [In my mind, right since your dick is up straight and erect you can only go straight, U turn is an impossibility both anatomically and navigationally] Well I can’t take the pain of haggling with the Auto guys so either you come to this side, at some place I know or forget it.
Me – [Before he could respond to the above] Actually you know you should just pick me up, I like a bit of chivalry, you should also get some flowers, take me to a fancy restaurant instead of some cheap pub and must pay the bills.
Guy – I don’t believe in these rules, may be friends should be equal.
Me – Well, currently am only accepting lavish dinner dates coupled with flowers n wine, no friendship request please…sorry your bad luck.
Guy – Ok.

Whoever says ok in response to those kind of statements, what a boring guy. He didn’t ask anymore since then.

So basically I am largely ruling out meeting any more new random men. My priorities are very clear and am very focussed. I am also some one who doesn’t like to sexually hook up with friends. I find it very difficult to take a U turn and change track from being friends to romance or vice versa.

So these days am being single and celibate.

On meeting some one unique:

I didn’t tell anybody but I met an interesting person some time last year and been knowing him more with each day, finding out more unique things about him. And when I say ‘unique’ I mean weird.

He is the man I always wanted to meet. Somebody whose wit is hidden in his sarcasm, care is hidden in apathy, compliment is in criticism, somebody who is an awesome blogger and a community guy and lastly some one who demands to be and almost is my boss. And I let him be my boss because he takes my opinion on everything anyway. This has been my idea of romance always, to be everybody’s boss and to be with a someone who could be my boss. To lose myself when am with him and be a child he’d take care of.

It’s fun to be with this friend. From time to time I’d do something to challenge his position of being my boss which would piss him off to the extent of we fighting like cats and dogs calling each other names and promising to never talk again. But few moments or days of not talking and we’ll be just fine. I look forward to see him on gtalk not to have a sweet talk but to crib and complaint about something he did or didn’t do. And we fight again and again.

We are quite like a couple except that we are NOT. Neither do we want to be. But it’s interesting to know him, as long as I know him for one day we would really stop talking and would really not see each other ever. I know that as a matter of fact. I don’t know why and how but this would end. It’s a pattern about my relationships with most people, coincidentally most of them being Libra men. Great opening, rapid growth and a sudden crash.

On a weird recurring dream:

Which has been interpreted, by my sister to be a symbol of the conflict between my over active mind and my tired body.

I had this dream for about 5 times in the past one year. In different places, different time of the day, in the bus, flight, my place, friends place, night, afternoon. The common thing about its occurrence is that it occurs only when I am extremely tired. The content is exactly the same.

First time it was when I and Roopa were on our way back from a villagei in a rickety bus. She was sitting in the window seat behind mine. I dreamt, the man next to me is trying to abuse me, touching me in wrong places and then he was trying to strangulate me and take away my laptop. I wanted to fight him but couldn’t move a finger I thought of calling Snig for help but couldn’t open my mouth, I thought I was going to die, thought how would roops react when she’ll find me dead. Then, I put together all my strength for one last time and push the guy away and I woke up to realize it was a dream.

These dreams begin at the same time and place where I slept, so if I am sleeping in my bed that’s where my dream begins. Today I took an afternoon nap. Soon as I slept I felt the same way as I felt before. Presence of a man on my bed, I was scared and wanted to open my eyes to check if anybody was there, I opened my eyes, had a look at the main door it was closed, couldn’t see anybody but I could feel the invisible man lying on top of me. I tried to move and cry but I couldn’t I struggled some more and then woke up to realise there was a dream within a dream.

Sis said, “its your body trying to sleep and mind trying to wake up. You should sleep because its time to sleep and not because all your work is done, you are done reading all your google alerts and reader feeds, done writing all that you wanted to write. If you wait to finish everything and then sleep your mind would never let your body sleep.”

Interesting interpretation and it is 1.30 in the night right now. Time to sleep I guess. Feel good for writing so much of my truth after a long time. There’s more though. But later.

Oh but before I go I want to share one last thing. I recently for the first time in my life had a fear of death. I was afraid of dying too soon before I could make it big as a writer or otherwise be enough famous. Then I was afraid of being too famous to die at all. I am pretty sure there is no life after death, so I don’t want to die at the peak of my fame. I also don’t want to give tears to my parents. After fearing for some time I told myself, what the heck, if it has to happen it would happen.

Save me!My parachute love..
Falling from up up and away
Can't remember,who threw me
And didn't want me to stay
It was heaven, but its all over
And I am happy as hell.

Save me!Mah parachute love..
Can't clutch much through the cloud
I scream in frustration, I can't fly
I am dying, just be my shroud.
It was inhuman, but its all over
And I am free as a ghost.

Save me!Mah parachute love..
Its a sinking feeling high above,
You see the ocean, You are scared
You want to die, But not now.
It was deep blue,but its all over
And I am scorched as the sun.

(one brownie for anyone who can guess what his poem is about!)

 5 unexplainable mysteries about women.......

1. Why do we have to pretend to be on a diet always?Thin is in and hip and there are no decent clothes available if you aren't size 0..1.agreed.But,there’s really no harm in accepting once a while ,that we love to eat…err live to eat.

2. Please don’t deny it.It’s time to accept a bitter reality….bad driving and women have become synonymous !!!!Is it really necessary to peek into the rear view mirror, time and again, while driving,to adjust the makeup. Do you have to take your hands off the wheel and straighten your hair again and again and….???and btw You do have to stick your head out most of the time to reverse the car !!!!!!

3. speaking of mirrors,why can’t women resist the temptation to peek into every mirror they come across.In shops, lifts,rear view mirrors,hospitals, toilets and even through plain glass sometimes.Where there’s a mirror,there’s a woman next to it.

4. why do we have to wait,for someone to buy us a gift.Be it a chocolate,a dress or that diamond you dream about .STOP CRIBBING.Just go ahead and pamper yourself .It’s really unfair to expect men to read your mind and buy you exactly what you want.

4. Can we ever stop being paranoid about our age.Trying to look younger than you are,is not the only thing left to achieve in the world.Accept the fact that age and beauty are not related.
"you look so young" Can't you see it,men are conning us with that line, all the time.

5 things that make men ,what they are(adorable)

1.why is it so hard for men to accept that their wife's/girlfriends,have friends that are boys/men,but it doesn't make them their boyfriends.Men and women can be just friends is a bitter pill.isn't it??

2.stop telling your wife,who’s a homemaker,”aww,do you know what it is to go out and work,you are so lucky to be at home".Kids,home,groceries,homework,PTA,PMS,neighbourhood gossip,bills and maintenance and of course in laws.try juggling all that with just two hands.Try to swap places for a day,and let me see if you are still smiling at the end of the day.

3.Do you always have to act so bored and distracted and stony when you go shopping with women.It's really embarrassing when you choose clothes,by looking at their price tags.
A little bit of attention and your credit card is all we ask for.

4.Is it necessary to look at every pretty face that goes by,especially when you are with your wife/girlfriend?Stop giving inane justifications like “beauty should be admired”….”I love observing people”(how come you didn’t notice that good looking guy who came in?”)wink,wink
be creative and come up with better reasons next time.

5.Stop reading(pretending to read) the paper and don't answer in monosyllables, when you are asked " how do I look in the new dress OR howz my new haircut?
you get 'one quarter of an inch ' haircut,and still get complimented,by us,don't you?
and at least look at us when you are lying !!!

Irony Pie????

My Next Boyfriend?!!

Coffee,Coziness and Memory Frames

I've always wondered how educated, rational and practical people like us can still believe in something as obsolete as the "perfect man" a.k.a "the one"... Each time we enter a relationship, we tend to leave our normal lives behind and start leading the life that is expected from us. Right from the clothes we wear to the people we spend time with. We start compromising on everything and not even realize that in the bargain we lose a piece of our souls along the way of this transition of trying live up to that "perfect" image we want so badly to create in the other persons mind. And when we finally succeed in planting that image in their heads, we struggle to maintain it! We give up everything, to finally find we re alone at the end of it, because they move on after finding out that we re really not AS perfect as they thought. But do they ever look at themselves and evaluate their level of perfection? NO. They reserve the right to judge us, but are ignorant enough to overlook their own flaws. Ridiculous! And who gave them the right to be so judgmental about us anyway? And if they do choose to be with us, IN SPITE of our flaws, they rub it in or blame any problem that comes their way on our shortcomings,without question or rationale. How does everything suddenly become our fault if your life is not working out the way you planned it to? Ignorance is sometimes a blessing but it can also be such a curse! Food for thought....

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee
And I can justify
Any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
But a beauty salon
Can get a massage
Without a hard-on

I can balance the checkbook,
Can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends
About the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
And yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others
When I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles
At any cost,
And I don't have a problem
Admitting I'm lost.

I never forget
An important date
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late

I don't watch movies
With lots of gore
Don't need instant replay
To remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!

I don't have a problem
With expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!

I was away for sometime now, from my low-profile blog life. Just that I had too much on my plate…actually I still do. But an unforgettable poem we studied during the good old days when we had literature has brought me back to share my profundity…or profound stupidity : ))
The poem was intense…and passionate…. and most of all, it was real. It wasn’t hard to sense the fervour the poet might’ve had bottled within her to actually come up with something so blatant. Its not a poem that I particularly loved, cos I felt the poet was rather incurably depressed with the world…but times have changed, and so have some of my opinions! Here is “The Wind-Up Doll”
(oh… wind-up doll here refers to a woman/women)

The Wind-Up Doll
More than this, yes
more than this one can stay silent.

With a fixed gazelike that of the dead
one can stare for long hours
at the smoke rising from a cigaretteat the shape of a cup
at a faded flower on the rug
at a fading slogan on the wall.

One can draw back the drapes
with wrinkled fingers and watch
rain falling heavy in the alley
a child standing in a doorway
holding colorful kites
a rickety cart leaving the deserted square
in a noisy rush

One can stand motionless
by the drapes—blind, deaf.

One can cry out
with a voice quite false, quite remote“I love…”
in a man’s domineering arms
one can be a healthy, beautiful female

With a body like a leather tablecloth
with two large and hard breasts,
in bed with a drunk, a madman, a tramp
one can stain the innocence of love.

One can degrade with guile
all the deep mysteries
one can keep on figuring out crossword puzzles
happily discover the inane answers
inane answers, yes—of five or six letters.

With bent head, one can
kneel a lifetime before the cold gilded grill of a tomb
one can find God in a nameless grave
one can trade one’s faith for a worthless coin
one can mold in the corner of a mosque
like an ancient reciter of pilgrim’s prayers.
one can be constant, like zero
whether adding, subtracting, or multiplying.
one can think of your --even your—eyes
in their cocoo of anger
as lusterless holes in a time-worn shoe.
one can dry up in one’s basin, like water.

With shame one can hide the beauty of a moment’s togetherness
at the bottom of a chestlike an old, funny looking snapshot,
in a day’s empty frame one can display
the picture of an execution, a crucifixion, or a martyrdom,
One can cover the crak in the wall with a mask
one can cope with images more hollow than these.

One can be like a wind-up doll
and look at the world with eyes of glass,one can lie for years in lace and tinsel
a body stuffed with straw
inside a felt-lined box,at every lustful touch
for no reason at all
one can give out a cry
“Ah, so happy am I!”’

PHEW!!! It’s kinda scary- for one, the point she throws at your face- like the women who claim they are happy are merely lying.
And second, have I become a hopeless cynic myself to actually appreciate….and admire….and thoroughly agree with most of what she says! I dunno…. and don’t care much…but its true. The clichéd saying- “it’s a man’s world afterall” still holds good. I never have, and still don’t feel anything remotely like pride to be called a feminist, for I feel the noise is often blown out of proportion…and from what I can gather, I find myself thinking ‘how absurd some claims are’….for instance, when women exercise their want to be treated as equals to men, are they so sure they only want to be on par with men….i mean….what makes men the ultimate yardsticks to measure what a woman rightfully deserves anyway?

On the flip side, it’s a lot easier to rant away in a blog…but I guess when women of our country (and other places in the world too) find it hard to be treated atleast on par with men, a status higher than men would only be a distant dream. In any case, there never is harm in women looking at themselves as separate, independent entities, rather than as mere contenders to mens’ abilities and accomplishments.

Picture this… this is what the poem makes me feel each time I read it….

If someone asked me, “Are you happy- say yes or no”.
I’d think “God!! What a ridiculous question”
I would think a little more, and realize there are things that make me happy and things that make me sad too…
not wanting to elaborate on my life’s sorrows, to cut the long story short, I’d simply say,
“yes, I am happy:)”.
And the person would just scream out… “NO you are not happy…you are lying… you cannot possibly be happy….you are a sad person.!!”.

Depending on my mood, id either kick that persons ass knowing that he/she was insane and talking a little too much….or if I were in my usual ‘say what u want’ mood, id probably hum my favourite song till he/she was done….or if I were in a suggestible mood, I’d probably sink into myself as though a great realization dawned upon me and realize, “oh! I am actually a sad person, for more reasons than one…”

In any case, this uncanny episode is something I would always remember… there is nothing that can hit you harder than when someone defies what you truly believe as your truth….all said and done, now we are well equipped with what to say to a woman when she says she is happy..hehe…but on a serious note, although the poem might not necessarily trigger a revolution as she might’ve originally hoped for, it atleast makes people think.…. well, I made me think....